My head is pounding and pounding and pounding
March 7, 2013, 9:57 pm-
I really needed someone to talk to tonight and he wasn’t there. Usually, when I need to talk about something serious, he will put his jokes aside and listen to me, but I guess we’re past that now. Since he was being a complete and utter dick tonight, I’ll just bother you all with the message I decided not to send. This post is very personal. I needed to get it out to someone, anyone, even if the person it is meant for will never read it. Don’t post unnecessary comments. Thank you, Tumblr, I knew you would understand, you always do.
The past few days have been hard. I don’t know if you understand the severity of things. We don’t keep up as often as we used to. The stresses in my life are getting more and more overbearing. If you’ve noticed anything at all, I haven’t been doing any work in school. I spend my time trying to sleep, being afraid to sleep, and then not sleeping. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t break. Things are getting to that near dangerous point again. It’s the place I never wanted to see again, especially so soon. My head is spinning all of the time now. My thoughts are constantly racing, skipping from one to another and back again in the bat of an eye. Like I said, I haven’t been sleeping well. I had a dream last night, many, actually. But this one dream, it was a zombie apocalypse dream. I know, it’s cliché, I’m sorry, but the meaning goes far beyond that of a horrific fantasy. I was home in my room. My parents came upstairs to tell me they were leaving. It was all in excruciating detail. It was odd because they had backpacks in hand, but I still just thought that they were going to the store. They left and I walked downstairs and in the kitchen. My eyes shoot past the left wall to the front door. I see someone standing outside on the front stoop, almost banging on the door. My vision goes from blurry to focused now. I’m standing looking from around the corner at the door now. I see that it’s locked, I feel safer, but I’m not. I hear banging on the dining room windows. I turn around fast, my head suddenly spinning and pounding like those migraines I get. My vision settles again, I see a few walkers (Of course, I’ll call them walkers) were gathered at the windows. I panic. I grab kitchen knives from the draw, I’m standing there completely frozen. Then time goes slow, but all so fast. I’m collapsed on the floor now, and I start to sit up. It’s nighttime when I look out the windows. But I’m looking past figures now, I’m surrounded. The windows aren’t there, they’re broken and shattered, and the locked front door is wide open. I stumble to my feet and I start pushing through a steady coming crowd of walkers. I’m screaming for someone who isn’t coming. I run up the stairs to my room, I slam the door shut, and I lock it. I know I’m not safe. My hands are shaking like they do, I’m sitting on the floor, sobbing now. I grab the phone off of the charger in my room. The only thoughts going through my mind are reasons not to call anyone. People don’t deserve to die for me, I think. They can’t care anymore, they can’t get involved, I say. I sit there alone, not making a decision. A knife in one hand, my plea for help in the other. I woke up right after that. I woke up having a panic attack, I started sobbing. I couldn’t help but think how weak I am, how weak I was either way. If you understand me, you’ll know that my dream has more meaning than whether or not I’d survive in an apocalypse. You know how deeply I believe in the meaning of my dreams. The past few days I’ve been seeing things. They’re more like flashes of pictures than hallucinations. I’m not sick in the head, I’m just afraid of everything I don’t need to fear. I’m attracted to things I can’t or shouldn’t have. I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I relapsed bad for the first time in a couple of weeks, little would you know. I just need my mind to rest at ease. It’s raining out now. Please, don’t have me fall asleep alone. I need to talk to somebody while I’m falling asleep, you know that best. Please
-Sabrina, March 7, 2013, 11:25 pm